Vaporizing or How Social Media, or Trying to be Private on it, Bit Me in the Ass.

Ok… I was in a relationship.  Yes, I was. I didn't proclaim it all over the world, but people knew.  And the break up has given me every quintessential Carrie Bradshaw moment I have needed to let me know that this isn’t about me.  It is but it isn’t.

I have gotten burned by putting relationship statuses on social media.  It allowed too many people to chime in or get involved or just plain butt in.  So I vowed to only let the people that need to know … know.  Granted, the first postings on how happy I was and on being in a relationship garnered kudos and well wishes… then you get the questions and the “timelines” of holidays and expectations.   Being a girl, you have enough going on in your head.  You don’t need to have armchair coaching on your relationship.

So this time, I didn’t blaze it on social media. 

And it felt like a good decision.  It was like I was in our own little cocoon.  Family and friends knew.  Now, I was and am proud of my former partner.  He is successful at what he does and makes a difference in the lives of others.  I enjoyed our company and loved the time we spent alone and out and about.

It was the first time in a long time that I let down most of my walls.  YES! This man did this.  It took some wooing on his part to have me date him, but once I got to know him I knew that he was a good man. 
This good man was very kind to me.  Shared my successes, watched me be sick, saw my crazy times with being temporarily placed in jobs, dealt with the superficial crap and listened to me. And I did the same.    And after time, I shared some of the life defining moments I’ve had with him.  The stuff that I still have some shame/guilt about.  I trusted him.  I felt safe and comfortable. 
And like all relationships, I thought about the “what ifs” and maybes.  Good friends shared job postings in his area that I contemplated on.  I thought about looking for an all wheel drive vehicle due to the drive and conditions.  I thought about transitioning to a place I wanted to go back to and knowing that I wouldn’t be all alone in doing it. 
After being so adamant about being alone and independent, “Miss I’m not getting very involved with Anyone” suddenly was very involved with someone special.

Holidays were shared and came around and I also was pretty open about being with this man and making a life with him.  I posted little references about someone special, or a quote about a relationship or pictures of flowers.  Or a song or two… those that knew that we were together knew what it was all about.
Then my instincts were telling me a whole different story.  The distance was starting to wear on me and I knew I needed to spend more time with him.  I also sensed he was drifting away.  He assures me he wasn’t, but he was. 

So I finally had to ask… what’s happening with us?

And the very next day… a minute after I got off of work, an email showed up in my inbox.  Carrie Bradshaw got dumped with a post-it note.  I got dumped by an email.

He had suddenly found someone else and had fallen in love.  He loved me but wasn’t in love with me.  He thought he would never find love again and that he was willing to be with me because I was good to him and kind and we had a good time together.  

Basically… he was willing to settle.  With me. 

My world went all pear shaped and I was numb.

Four days later… I vaporized.  I took the high road and remained friends in all ways possible with out being in each other’s presence.  I do wish him happiness.  And I am glad that he found love.  Really I am.

How I vaporized… he posted he was in a relationship on social media.  And I saw the reactions.  They all said it was about time and they were happy.  I sat in shock and the realization that I was nothing but a person in the background became a reality.  It was as if I didn’t ever exist.  I was vaporized.  I was nothing. It was then I realized that NO ONE knew about ME except his family and some acquaintances.  It was very easy to transition this new love into his life because no one really knew about me and I don’t think she even knew he was seeing someone when they began talking.  And I can see the attraction… someone closer, someone that has a hair color that he is more inclined to be attracted to, and someone new.

Time has passed.  Some things remind me of the relationship.  There are songs that I get the feeling that I’m going to have an anxiety attack while listening to them.  I beat myself up a little when I think about the whole thing sometimes.   

But I’m now finally feeling like I can move on from it all.  I’m letting people in again, but the trust will take a long time for me to let someone… anyone like that in again. It’s a rebuilding.  I didn’t deserve an email.  I deserved a call or better yet, a face-to-face goodbye.  I thought I was more than an email.  I didn’t deserve that kind of let down.

Yes, I’ve aired some dirty laundry.  I could have said more.  A lot more.  There are things that I will only share with individuals or keep to myself. 

I am hurt.  Time has passed, but to be treated like a non-entity is something I never imagined.  To be replaced and have someone pick up right where I left off is something I have never experienced.  I thought I was more than that.  But he chose his  happiness and being in love over anything with me and needed to be honest with about that.   That meant me ... gone.  Vaporized.

But just maybe… maybe there might be something that reminds him of me and he will think of me fondly and remember that he had someone who truly loved him… flaws and all.