It's just not that easy.

I had a good conversation about forgiveness. It has left me wondering if there are degrees of forgiveness or if it is all or nothing.  Or is it the action that caused the apology that determines the forgiving or the amount of forgiveness.  

I’ve heard “I’m sorry” or I’m so sorry. I’ve also said the same.

They are words.  Just words. 

I’m sorry that I took the last brownie.  (No biggie… I can share)

I’m sorry that I left the seat up.  (Ok, annoying, but it happens),
I’m sorry that I hurt you.  (But hours later a simple statement/status change and the validation of statement/status change from others eradicates your very existence in person’s life. Like you really were never that important.)

There have been times I’ve forgiven people. A lot of times. But I notice that I still treat them like I have recently been in car accident and hear screeching noises: I tense up. Not physically, but emotionally. If you’ve lied to me, I question what you say. If you’ve let me down, I don’t depend on you. Sure, I’ve gotten past the actual infraction, but I’m not leaving myself open to a future one.  Then again, have I really gotten past the infraction?

Forgiveness takes some time.  It’s easy to say the words.  I’ve even been told I’m too apologetic. To say I’m sorry is conditioned, but to truly mean it is a sign of acceptance and genuine remorse.  A bit of a self actualization.

To be given an apology and accept it, often depends on the infraction.  Most of the time, It’s an honest simple mistake made.  But when the infraction is something that is so unbelievable and hurtful, and the person apologizes profusely, yet turns around and does something so self centered (and often lacking self-esteem) that one is left questioning if it was all empty words.  Something just said so the guilty party felt they were given divine absolution and allowed to go on with their original intent.  By just saying “I’m sorry” makes everything all right.  To say "I'm so sorry" is more letting themselves off the hook and allow them to do what they really wanted to do all along.  A self justification rather than an acknowledgement of the wrong.  
Sometimes a little slack has to be given because the guilty party either has no idea the ramifications of the infraction or they simply aren’t in a a place that allows them to  see what really is the issue.  To be honest with themselves that things aren’t really what they seem and a lot more work needs to be done, even though they think they’ve done the work. 

Actions speak louder than words and believe someone when they DO something.

Eventually, the forgiveness will happen.  The hurt and anger lessen and one just feels nothing.  The polar opposite of love isn’t hate.  It’s apathy.   It’s not caring.  It’s this true feeling of  “whatever”.  And sometimes I wish I felt nothing, but that’s not who I am. My "whatevers" always have a tinge of sarcasm or cynicism. 

Maybe one needs forgive themselves before they forgive the other... but it's just not that easy. 

The more I know the less I understand. All the things I thought I knew, I’m learning them again.  I’ve been trying to get down to the heart of the matter. But my will gets weak and my thoughts seem to scatter.

But I think it’s about forgiveness.  Forgiveness.