Good Intentions

It’s the season of lent and it is a time for reflection and meditation.  Funny, it’s like we are automatically given 40 days to regroup, reflect and reinvent if needed.

A very good friend asked me what I was going to do for lent.  I said, “I have no idea”.
He told me to do something for myself.  Take the next 40 days and just do something for you.
Now, those of you that know me there are lots of things that I want to do.  There are things that I want to do and that I need to do and things that I should do.  It’s sorting them all out into the shoulda, woulda, coulda and I darn well better do for myself.

So, the other night, I watched EAT PRAY LOVE.  And about a million things came to my mind, but I realized I needed to keep it simple.  A lot like the protagonist, I tend to over think and pile on many things to do.  Or I have the intrinsic nature of putting myself on a timeline to get something done or better yet (sarcasm)… make sure I heal quickly no matter whether it’s physical or mental.   This little trait has often been just a “band-aid” to heal something quickly instead of really healing myself about the matter.

So… I broke it down and came up with this…
EAT:

• I intend to continue eating healthy foods. I now come home earlier from work than I have in a long time.  I have developed a good relationship with my George Forman Grill and I eat lean protein and veggies.  Chicken and Cottage cheese have been my closest friends and the results have been pretty good.
• I intend to try at least four new recipes within these 40 days.  Being mindful of the fact I am trying to stay healthy, I will pick things that will be good for me and damn tasty to boot.
• I will continue with my diet.  I’m down 12 lbs since the New Year.  Old jeans are fitting.  Ding dang!

PRAY:

• I intend to meditate more and on a regular basis.  Seriously… I need to do this to keep centered.  One of the exercises is the Smiling meditation.  I did this a few times before.  Seems like a silly thing, but you plaster a major grin on your face and keep it.  As you meditate and relax, the smile on your face becomes more natural and as that happens, you begin to focus the joy on your face to radiating joy to all parts of your body.  Nothing like a root chakra smile to energize yourself.
• I intend to be much more mindful of those around me and of myself.   No explanation to that. 
• I intend to pray more.  Have more faith and be patient with THE PLAN.

LOVE:

• I intend to continue to give self-love by honoring my intentions.
• Live my TRUTHBOMBS!!! 
• I intend to allow myself the freedom to write more, sing more and create more.
• I intend to share with others my talents and dreams and if they think they are crazy… well… whatever. (yes, in my head are the words "Fuck it... I'm doing this for me")
• I intend to draft my plans for three creative dreams I have.  They are attainable.  One will benefit something that I love and the second will be something that I have just wanted to do for a long time.  The third… I feel like I need to continue to honor this project. 
• I intend to do one thing that will get me out of my comfort zone.  I have put on those red shoes and stuck myself out there a lot in the last 3 years.  It is time to do something way outside of the zone and make it really shake my core.

I also intend to cut myself a little slack.  The last 8 months have been a major change in my life, but the next few months will be a whirl wind of happenings as well. 

Simple list, yet a bit of a challenge.  I will have to honor myself and that is something that I do,  but not to the fullest extent.  I do things for myself, but I need to stop and do things that will genuinely enrich my life.  I will also post updates on how I'm doing with my intentions.  Maybe even pictures.  Part of this exercise is to be accountable for my intentions as well.  Those of you who see me will 

My wish for you:  Do something  - anything – for yourself within the next 40 days.  I don’t care what it is, but it has to be something just for you.  And you don’t have to answer to anyone for this one thing.  Just yourself. 

Now... ready, set ...GO!!!  

It's just not that easy.

I had a good conversation about forgiveness. It has left me wondering if there are degrees of forgiveness or if it is all or nothing.  Or is it the action that caused the apology that determines the forgiving or the amount of forgiveness.  

I’ve heard “I’m sorry” or I’m so sorry. I’ve also said the same.

They are words.  Just words. 

I’m sorry that I took the last brownie.  (No biggie… I can share)

I’m sorry that I left the seat up.  (Ok, annoying, but it happens),
I’m sorry that I hurt you.  (But hours later a simple statement/status change and the validation of statement/status change from others eradicates your very existence in person’s life. Like you really were never that important.)

There have been times I’ve forgiven people. A lot of times. But I notice that I still treat them like I have recently been in car accident and hear screeching noises: I tense up. Not physically, but emotionally. If you’ve lied to me, I question what you say. If you’ve let me down, I don’t depend on you. Sure, I’ve gotten past the actual infraction, but I’m not leaving myself open to a future one.  Then again, have I really gotten past the infraction?

Forgiveness takes some time.  It’s easy to say the words.  I’ve even been told I’m too apologetic. To say I’m sorry is conditioned, but to truly mean it is a sign of acceptance and genuine remorse.  A bit of a self actualization.

To be given an apology and accept it, often depends on the infraction.  Most of the time, It’s an honest simple mistake made.  But when the infraction is something that is so unbelievable and hurtful, and the person apologizes profusely, yet turns around and does something so self centered (and often lacking self-esteem) that one is left questioning if it was all empty words.  Something just said so the guilty party felt they were given divine absolution and allowed to go on with their original intent.  By just saying “I’m sorry” makes everything all right.  To say "I'm so sorry" is more letting themselves off the hook and allow them to do what they really wanted to do all along.  A self justification rather than an acknowledgement of the wrong.  
Sometimes a little slack has to be given because the guilty party either has no idea the ramifications of the infraction or they simply aren’t in a a place that allows them to  see what really is the issue.  To be honest with themselves that things aren’t really what they seem and a lot more work needs to be done, even though they think they’ve done the work. 

Actions speak louder than words and believe someone when they DO something.

Eventually, the forgiveness will happen.  The hurt and anger lessen and one just feels nothing.  The polar opposite of love isn’t hate.  It’s apathy.   It’s not caring.  It’s this true feeling of  “whatever”.  And sometimes I wish I felt nothing, but that’s not who I am. My "whatevers" always have a tinge of sarcasm or cynicism. 

Maybe one needs forgive themselves before they forgive the other... but it's just not that easy. 

The more I know the less I understand. All the things I thought I knew, I’m learning them again.  I’ve been trying to get down to the heart of the matter. But my will gets weak and my thoughts seem to scatter.

But I think it’s about forgiveness.  Forgiveness. 

Where does it go?

I heard this quote on a tv show: When you love someone, and you break up, where does the love go?”’

But I’m wanting to take that to a whole different place:

When you’re in a relationship and you love someone but they don’t love you… where does that love go?

Really.  Is it unrequited love?  That is the material that movies, songs and poems are written about.  'I'll Follow the Sun', 'Waitin in Vain'; 'To Make You Feel My Love'.  John and Paul, and Bob and Bob all knew.  Forrest Gump and Gone With the Wind are two movies where Boy loves girl and girl just takes love and eventually walks away (or dies).  AE Housman, Yeats and St Vincent Millay seemed to have the right words for the feelings.  

In a way, it might be.  The one that is the object of affection may not realize the one that is loving may have more on the line emotionally than they do.  Maybe they feel that he or she is undeserving or suspicious because of past experiences.  They might want to love, but simply don't for reasons they don't understand or may never understand.  Sometimes it just isn't there. 

One person is in a place where the other isn't, but they are together.  Where does the love go?  One goes through the motions of a relationship while the other thinks everything is fine.  Where does the love go? Both partners are "in it" together, there is caring and sharing, but it is unequal.  

Does the one getting the love just put it into reserve for another?  Is it a way to perpetuate and keep spreading the love in the design that it just may come back full circle to the one that gave out the love originally?  Optimistic concept but pretty mindful. 

I don't know.  It's something to ponder about lately.  Where does it go? Where does all the love go? 

And in the end... the love you take is equal to the love you make.  

Back to writing

Your writing voice is the deepest possible reflection of who you are. The job of your voice is not to seduce or flatter or make well-shaped sentences. In your voice, your readers should be able to hear the contents of your mind, your heart, your soul.
 – Meg Rosoff, Novelist, Author of How I Live Now

I used to blog.  My Facebook page is an extremely shortened method of how I used to blog, but even that is sometimes censored due to language or because of what I really need to say. 

The past 8 months of my life have been a whirlwind of change.  Some was forced, some was done by choice, but it was needed.  I opened myself up to new experiences, new people, new truths and new opportunities.  I opened up to the possibilities too:  opened myself to possibilities in letting myself shine and be revealed to others.  As someone said to me: "You've been hiding this light for so long that you are so shiny that you sparkle like glitter"  
Yes, I see pictures of me and there's a light in my eyes that hasn't been there in a long time.  I've had many wonderful people in my life that have helped me get here too.  They know who they are.  I love them dearly.  Some have always been there, some have remained and some have gone and some exited out the back door.  But all have made impressions that have gotten me to this place.  This great wonderful place that I like being.  
These months have been been the building to this point where I can't keep my voice quiet any more.  I'm at a point where I feel that I have landed in a very comfortable positive  place and I'm ready to explore and create and grow.  
I will preface... I will not censor.  I will speak my truth.  I will say what is on my mind and in my heart.  I am welcome for conversation and debate and a private conversation if so needed.  If you don't like what is said... don't read it. Simple as that.  Stop reading, because I don't intend to stop speaking 
This is my place for my voice.